My List: Redux

You're Dialed In with JQ


I. Boom. To show you how serious I’m taking this “List War”, I’ve gone and done the unthinkable. That’s right bitch. Roman numerals. Boo ya.
II. Lets jump right into it shall we. “Sex & The City” the movie. What’s the deal with this? Now I’ll jump into the shark tank and reveal the fact that I’ve probably seen every S&TC, but that doesn’t mean that I support the notion of Carrie Bradshaw shagging all of New York on the big screen. The question that I think everyone is thinking is…where the hell is the “90210” movie? Are Brenda and Dylan ever going to get back together?
III. Jerry Seinfeld. Where the fuck has he been hiding? Maybe he’s the ring- leader of a racist cult, and Michael Richards was just testing out the waters for Jerry. I’m sure he’s doing his stand-up stuff, but come on! He’s one funny motherfucker. He gives the world his show for a decade and then poof. Just vanishes into his privately owed garage filled with Porches? Unacceptable. Though speaking of “Seinfeldian Theory”, the guy that played Newman isn’t fat anymore. Good for him.
IV. Shit. I’m only at IV. That’s 4 to those of you that are retarded. And I’ll be honest; I’m a little “iffy” on my current topics. But I’ll stick with it to the bitter end. I dare not admit defeat to some Gumby-ass wannabe like Jeremy. Best Video game of the year. Rock Band. Without a doubt. Now I don’t actually own the game, or the console, or the Internet access at home to download the cool new songs. Lucky for me, Ben does. And we kick ass. Jeremy doesn’t have any friends that actually invite him over so he never gets to play Rock Band. Boom. Score one point for me.
V. Back to BSG. I like where you’re going with Starbuck being a Cylon and telling Adama that she killed his son because he found out and blah blah blah. And I think they squashed my theory that the 5th is Adama’s dead son. So I’ve got a new one for you. It’s going to be Hera. The daughter of Athena (formerly Boomer). It’s like that Simpsons Murder Episode where they had a huge game trying to figure out who shot Burns. It ended up being Maggie. The one little yellow bastard in Simpson world you could over look. And considering that we haven’t seen or heard about Hera since late in season 3, I think this is a good bet. So there. BSG ripped off their idea from the Simpsons. Son of a bitch.
VI. I’ll tell what I love about Starbucks. And it’s not their coffee. It’s the fact that they are fucking everywhere. No matter where you go. They are easily rivaling McDonalds. Here’s the best part about them. Since they ARE everywhere a clean “public pooping” environment is always close at hand. We all know “PP” is usually a no bueno experience. Too many variables in play to make for a very unpleasant “PP”. But Starbucks, although usually crowded, has high standards which means their facilities are more than up to par for that emergency “PP”.
VII. I’m kind of wondering who the new face of the NRA is going to be. Since Charleston Heston died a few months ago, I just haven’t been that interested in keeping up with my NRA monthly newsletter of who the biggest asshole is. I’m thinking Drew Carrey, but I don’t know if his current schedule with the Price is Right would allow him to make all those meetings. On a side note if you didn’t see the video of Ron Paul at the last NRA conference you need to watch that shit. He says some fucked up shit about Obama and it’s not cool. If he ever drives through the ghetto I’m pretty sure he’s going to get the shit kicked out of him. Kind of like a Grand Theft Auto crime. Ask Ben, I’m sure he’ll fill you in on all the new GTA 4 hype.
VIII. My office is right next to the server room. Therefore my nipples are always hard as shit, because they have to blow cold air into that room to keep the server cold so it doesn’t get all shitty. And a guy with hard nipples jus doesn’t have the same affect. I wonder if in the gay community that’s a turn on. Well Jeremy, is it? Burn. Ha got one in there.
IX. I was playing Street Fighter II the other day. I beat the game. Wasn’t that hard. But as I was playing M. Bison I was wondering what the fuck the “M” stood for. Does anyone actually know? I’m guessing it stands for Milton, Mort, or Melvin. Can’t you see Mort Goldman’s face on the body of M. Bison fighting Ryu in the final stage of the game? “Oh please don’t throw that fire ball at me. I’m allergic to fire. Can’t we just talk about this over a nice game of Scrabble?” (Done in Mort’s voice of course).
X. So effectively I’ve wasted my entire morning on this list. I’m not quite sure how I feel about it or the response I’ll get from all my fans spread out across the world. Ha. I feel like it’s lacking that punch of total sarcasm that usually lays dormant in my blog posts. You’ll have to let me know what you thought. Now I have to go to Google images and find the perfect picture. That should take 20 minutes. Then I can go to lunch. I’m thinking a sandwich from Safeway may be involved.