Death & Lunch

You're Dialed In with JQ

First things first. Way to go Av's. If you didn't watch the game like I suggested, you missed one hell of an ending. Joe Sakic was "Super" as usual and the rest of our team put on a hell of a performance. Don't worry Coach Q, the boys might just save your job after all. Av's are at home for the next 4 games, and hopefully we'll see Foppa out there giving someone hell. Keep it up boys. You owe me 14 wins, at least!

So on a different note I thought I'd write a bit about real life. I work in an office were I am one of the youngest employees they have. There are a few of us under 30 but most of the guys that work here are 50 or older. One employee in particular is older than "Death". I mean this with as much respect as I can. He's a nice old guy who walks around the office with as much energy as "Sid the Sloth". He's got a lumpy bald head that looks like the terrain for the next JEEP commercial. And his face resembles that of "Smeagol, or Gollum" for those of you that speak LOTR dork. So there is your description. Got a good picture in your head?

So I went to lunch today with "Smeagol" and another one of the employees. We went to a great Vietnamese place that I would absolutely visit again. You know it's good food when all the other patrons are Vietnamese and you're the only white people there. So we ordered our food, sipped on some tea, and struggled through pointless conversation about the weather, weekend plans, and all the crap you say to people that you don't really know. "Smeagol" doesn't say a word from the time we leave the office till the time we come back. Super, I know. The waiter brings our food and we begin the chore of attempting to respect another culture by using the chop sticks that were provided. So obviously it takes us forever to eat the god damn rice. "Smeagol" on the other hand decides to use a spoon, probably so that he can just gum his food in peace. The obvious strain of lifting a spoon to his toothless head about gave me a heart attack. He constantly looked like he was either going to:

A) Shit himself

B) Fall asleep in his Noodle Bowl

C) Die

Now granted he's an old timer and he's seen his share of winters if you take my meaning. And I'm sure you're all thinking we'll be like that someday too and how would you feel blah, blah, blah.

Now me personally, I was hoping for option B. This way I wouldn't have to smell his shit in the car ride home and Option C would have meant that I would have to use my CPR training, thank you Baywatch,and give this walking corpse mouth to mouth. For those of you that are either terribly concerned or just curious option D happened. None of the above.

The long and short of this little stint is this: My fucking lunch hour is too short to have to worry about whether or not someone asshole is going to fucking die at my table. I know it's a selfish fucking thing to think and I of course don't wish him any harm. But for god sakes man, I can't deal with that sort of pressure. Especially when all I want to do is eat my fucking chicken curry.

Until next time.....

stay dialed in.

The Streak Begins

You're Dialed In with JQ

Where do I even start? Well it would be totally unlike me if I didn't mention the Avalanche. Last night we played the division leading Calgary Flames. It was especially memorable since we got to see Adam Foote back where he belongs.....in a Av's sweater. The boys played with a hop in their step that we haven't seen in the last few weeks. Even being down by a goal late in the 3rd period didn't seem to slow down the Av's much. The physical battles were won against the boards, Jose Theodore played really well again only allowing 2 goals, and our offense was alive and kicking. Finally there was heart. Finally there was purpose. Finally there was a solid win against a good team and division rival.

The only downside of the game was that it went into overtime assuring the Flames of at least 1 point. Paul Stastny once again played a stellar game and proved that he is one of our most valuable players, scoring the overtime game winner. So although we only gain 1 point on Calgary, we gained 2 on everyone else. We're climbing the ladder and very soon, possibly tonight, we'll be back in a playoff spot. For those of you that remember last year, the Av's went on one of the best late season streaks we've seen in a long time. Winning 15 of a possible 17 if memory serves me right. Only to come up short by one point and miss the playoffs for the first time in Avalanche franchise history. Well, I'm predicting it right now. With less than 20 games left, I'm going to say that the Av's win at least 14 games. How can I make such a bold prediction you ask. I'll tell you. I'm a believer. Only time will tell. So stay dialed in.

Return to Greatness Pt. 2

It's been a very exciting few days here in the Mile High City of Denver. Super Joe, Paul, and Ryan all healthy and then BOOM!!! Here comes Peter "The Great" Forsberg back to wear good 'ol number 21 for the Av's. With less than 2 hours left in the trade deadline the Colorado Avalanche once again proved why they may have one of the best management teams ever. We recently just brought back another former Avalanche, fan favorite, and all around best defense man money can buy. Put your hands together and get ready to pound the boards baby because ADAM FOOTE is back in Denver wearing #52 for us once again. The Av's of old are upon us once again and ready to kick ass and take names. Avalanche fans put your hands together, stomp your feet, and yell your damn head off because if you didn't think we were back yesterday, WE SURE THE HELL ARE BACK TODAY!!!!! The trade deadline ends at 1pm MST and Rob Blake is still on the blocks, so we'll see. I could be writing a bit more today than I had planned. GO AV'S!!!!!!!!!!

Return to Greatness

About 30 minutes ago the Colorado Avalanche, correction, MY Colorado Avalanche signed Peter Forsberg to once again be an Avalanche. I can't tell you how excited the city of Denver is over this recent acquisition. "Peter the Great" will no doubt get our fans fired back up and get the blood pumping in the hearts of the Av's, who recently have been coming up short in the heart department. Even with the long awaited return of our Big 3 S men, Sakic, Stasny, and Smyth, the addition of "Foppa" will no doubt add that missing ingredient to our club. So look out Northwest Division, because you are about to witness another great streak that will NO DOUBT put my boys back into the playoffs. And if you've never seen Forsberg play, trust me, buy tickets to the next home game and you'll see why Super Joe Sakic is SUPER JOE and why Peter the Great is PETER THE MOTHER FUCKING GREAT!!!!! GO AV'S!!!!!!!!!

BURN!!!!!

Stupid. Just so stupid. Please do yourself a favor and click the digg link below to see this video.

read more | digg story

Red Assholes Vs. My Boys

Tonight we play the Red Wings again. Though we've yet to beat them this year, we've also played some of our best hockey against Detroit. Just haven't been able to find the back of the net. The Wings are on a 6 game losing streak and my boys are on a 3 game streak. So pull your shit together people and think positive thoughts. I'll try and bring back some quality pics. Give 'em Hell Boys!

Coming Soon

After years of sitting on our asses watching everyone else make money, Jeremy and I have finally come up with our baby. This is gonna be the one that makes us some "fun money" at the very least. I'm not gonna get too involved into what we're doing and going with this idea, but let me give you an idea:

slaphappypix.com

There's a great story behind slaphappy but I'm not going to bore anyone to death with it right now. Just proving that even the dumbest sons of a bitch on the planet can put their heads together and make a buck.

Start taking some pictures, and get ready for a wild summer.

Cheers,

James (JQ) and Jeremy (dumbass)

Dear Policy Holder......

In recent weeks your name has come to our attention. After carefull review of your file and in speaking with the Members of the Board, we've come to this important decision:


You're Pretty Much Fucked.


Have a nice day and good luck with pulling yourself out of the shithole you call an existance.



God


.

The Constant Struggle To Keep Your Head In Your Ass

Once again, I’ve been starring at a blank screen. Not so much a case of writers block, but really just trying to decide what a worthy topic would be. I’ve been in contact with several of my colleagues and I do have a topic that will be coming soon. I’m thinking of calling it the “Pooping Chronicles”, a discussion on the ethics, appropriateness, and inevitability of public pooping. Dirty isn’t it??


However, what to write for this particular session that will no doubt hold your attention until the next article is finished? I have a great group of friends who all seem to have their lives in order. Which brought me to think about my own life. Though, and this is a personal observation only, I feel like I’ve made some progress over the past few years I find that I my head is still stuck up my ass. I usually refuse to apply the lessons that I’ve learned from my own experiences to my life. What the fuck is that all about? What’s the point in learning from good/bad situations, if you consciously decide to ignore the outcome? Ah…..thus the title of my current publication.


I began to find that the thought of pulling my head out of my ass and grow as a human being is totally nuts. Why struggle pulling it out for good, when it will more than likely just be shoved back up there? That’s like making an argument for the production of a square wheel. The heads natural position is up your ass. That’s where all the good ideas come from, all the insight, all the clarity. It’s when humans, especially us guys, pull our heads out that chaos and destruction take place. Think about these next couple of examples and make up your own mind.


The current President of the United States, George W. Bush, was great when his head was up his ass. Now before you start getting all riled up, just consider the following. Before George was the Commander and Chief, what did he do? He ran Texas and owned a baseball team. Big fucking deal. Besides screwing the people of the Lone Star state, and who cares about them anyways, he probably wasn’t a bad guy. He drank, snorted a little china, caused his daddy a few problems, but for the most part the rest of the world didn’t have to deal with him. Then what happened? He decided to run for President. And in order to have such an epiphany, he would have to pull his head out of his ass. Think of where we could be right now, if someone near by would have just shoved that puppy back where it belongs. If his head was up his ass right now, we’d all be okay.


My second example is Brittany Spears. Jesus Christ need I say more? You’d have to be fucking retarded to fuck up a future like that. If her head would have been in her ass, no K-Fed, no fucked up kids, no TMZ or talk shows just about Spears and the fall from grace. Fuck that shit! All we’d really have to put up with is just a few more crappy albums and some shitty #1 singles. And I think almost all of us don’t listen to shit like that anyways, so we’d be safe. Once again, head should be securely placed up the ass.


In conclusion, I say bring on the square wheel. Lets keep it simple and not complicate ourselves more than we need to. If you decide to marry your girlfriend and your head is up your ass, everything will be great. Decide to buy a new car, do it with a close up view of the ‘ol brown eye. And when you vote in Nov. 2008 please god vote for the candidate whose head is so far up his or her ass, that we couldn’t possibly get fucked in the end.

St. Patty's Day

To all my fellow Irish brethren out there who are looking forward to getting totally hammered, the time is almost upon us. It's never too late to start planning, and this, apparently, is me taking some initiative. Though I'm sure ultimately I leave the plans to someone a little more creative, like Kramburgler, I can at least start to get people excited and prepared for an all day drink fest. So St. Patty's day falls on a Monday this year, but the parade is on Saturday March 15, 2008 which sounds like a perfect day to drink ones self into a stupor. So clear your weekends and only make plans with us for what I'm sure will be another expensive but kickass afternoon. If you have comments or more importantly suggestions, please post a response and I'll be sure to pass along any ideas or put your name on a party list. So get your green ready and lets drink way too much. And yes I know these kick ass!

Can't Win 'Em All

I've been starring at this blank page for almost an hour, trying to think of what I wanted to write about and what I wanted to say. Then it hit me. It seems the theme for this weekend had to be "You Can't Win Them All". Now for those of you who took my advice and watched the Detroit/ Av's game, I'm sure you'll whole heartedly agree with me that we got robbed by the refs. But a bad call was made, things didn't go our way and in the end we lost the game. Now I'm sure most of you poor bastards watched the SuperBowl and spent most of the night bored to tears. Eating more than you wanted, while watching it with people you don't really like just for the last few exciting minues of another dreary Super Bowl. Much is the way of life I guess. You can't always win the game that matters most, can't always have a call go your way, can't drive the car you want, live in the house you want, be with the person you want. So for most of us, we're not going to have everything in life. But to those of you who have a piece of the pie, enjoy it. Remember life could always be worse. Drink it the moments when you can and make every day count. And to those of you who have the entire pie, everyone hates you. Cheers fuckers.
Next entry won't be so sappy. But my Av's lost to the Red Wings and I fucking hate the Wings so just deal with it god-damnit.

Death to all Red Wings!!!

Congratulations! You survived the week. Now it’s time to put on your party hats and start yelling at the TV. Now, most of you are thinking, Super Bowl weekend. To those people: Piss off. Screw the Super Bowl. Hey if you were there in Phoenix I’d say “hell yeah” myself. Scottsdale is one of the best “singles” cities in the US. The game of the weekend is tonight. MY Colorado Avalanche will be taking on the hated, despised, and unfortunately feared Detroit Red Wings. If you’re not a hockey person, the Wings are by far the most feared team this season. They have an unheard of record of 38 (W) 10 (L) and 4 (OTL) and have accumulated 80 points already. Hate to say it, but they’re one hell of a team. But have no fear, because they’ll blow it in the post-season. Just you wait and see. And now on to the team we actually give a shit about. The Av’s thus far have held their own in the western conference and the northwest division with a record of 27-20-4. Not bad considering our 3 best players Sakic, Smyth, and Stasny have been out for several weeks. So there, you’re officially caught up. If you don’t know anything about the rivalry between these two clubs, do yourself a favor and look up some of the history on http://www.youtube.com/ So instead of rooting for the oh so handsome Tom Brady or the ever disappointing Eli Manning, put on a jersey and root for the Avalanche. Don’t make the mistake of rooting for the Red Wings, because I will hunt you down and murder your gold fish while you sleep. Just support your team no matter what the record, who they’re playing, what the score is, or how annoying your girlfriend can be while asking questions like “What’s icing?” Just turn up the TV, crack open another beer, and remember GO AV’S !!!!