Darth Vader Plays Golf - Spike TV Commercial

Anytime you see Darth Vader playing golf it's just a classic moment.
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What I Did On My Summer Vacation: Screw You Mrs. Abbott

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I don’t know about any of you poor bastards, but I feel as if my mind has been on overload all summer. It’s been so chaotic that I just realized it’s almost October and I pooped myself a little. Think about the summer and ask yourself: Where the fuck did it go? I’ll tell you where it went; it went right down the crapper. Most of it was probably spent in front of the television and can you really blame me?

Hockey playoffs and the Stanley Cup go deep into June. Then I had couple weeks of freedom that were spent on my favorite barstool at the Hound getting splinters in my ass from laughing my ass off and occasionally falling off the damn thing. Then it started, the mother fucking Summer Olympics in Beijing, China. Holy mother Mary of God my eyeballs were bleeding by the end of it all. Between the opening ceremonies to the time they finally turn off the flame, I spent in front of the TV. Yes I watched everything from Michael Phelps and his crazy fucking mother, to the women’s Vagina ping-pong ball contest on the Great Wall. I watched our Commander and Chief check out the cleavage on our women’s beach volleyball team. For Christ’s sake I watched the speed walking event. That’s right kids; if you can walk you can be a mother fucking Olympian. How’s that for having a “dream”. “Mommy when I grow up I’m going to walk in the Olympics”. Can you imagine the utter shame those parents must feel? Your child can walk. Congrat-u-fucking-lations. Here’s a pistol. End it all now why don’t you. So the fucking Olympics. I loved every moment of it.




Then it happened. Barack Obama came to Denver and rocked this joint like it was Woodstock. Except it was more like the “Black Woodstock”. Now don’t’ get me wrong, I love all my fellow man and woman, but shit I didn’t know Colorado had that many black people. It was awesome. Downtown Denver looked as if it had thrown up on itself and the vomit was political propaganda. It was sweet. I got a shirt that says, “Obama is my DJ.” I have no fucking idea what that is supposed to mean but it was cool anyways and I’ll wear it on Election Day. I didn’t see Oprah and I’m a little pissed off because how could you miss her? In fact I didn’t see any of the “celebrities” that were down here. But I’ll tell you what if Brittany and Paris tell me to vote for Obama then he’s got my vote. I mean those are two really retarded people and if even they know that McCain is a lousy candidate than I must be doing something right. Minneapolis got to host the RNC. Poor fucking bastards. I think that pretty much sums that up. So we’ve got two months before the big day. Will we have the first ever-black president or will it just be another retard that will end up fucking us all? Aren’t you excited?

And now here I sit. Thinking about how I spent my “summer vacation”. Did I go camping? Take a vacation? Road Trip? Sit at the pool? Any of the fun things I did as a kid. The answer is NO. And I think that it’s fucking bullshit! I don’t want to play anymore. I feel like taking my ball and going home. On a lighter note, I did see Foo Fighters play both nights at Red Rocks and it was fucking awesome.



So that’s what I did on my summer vacation, and shit on me if it wasn’t pretty fucking memorable.
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The Hunt For Gollum - Teaser Trailer 2

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Holy shit. How did I not know about this. Props to Willis B for sending me the link. Excellent stuff. Cheers.
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Drug Deal Gone Bad!

This is some good shit. Stay Dialed In

Randy Pausch Last Lecture: Achieving Your Childhood Dreams

This is an amazing video. It's over an hour but well worth your time. If you don't know who Randy Pausch is take a little time to research him. A truly amazing person whose life was unfortuantely cut short by cancer. Hope you enjoy. Stay Dialed In

Best Race Of The 2008 Olympics

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Most of you are probably watching the Olympics this year being held in Beijing, China. Michael Phelps has become a house hold name all across the US and mostly across the world. He has the ability this year to become the greatest Olympian in history. That is absolutely unbelievable and I'm sure that everyone across the world is rooting for him in one way or another.

Here is the 4x100 Freestyle Relay that happened Sunday (US time) night. Quite possibly one of the most amazing Olympic moments of our time. Enjoy and as always, stay dialed in.
http://www.nbcolympics.com/video/share.html?videoid=D811_HD_SWB_HL_L0194

7 Kinds of Sex

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Results of a recent research show that there are 7 kinds of sex.

The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex. This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone, and you both have sex until you are blue in the face.

The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for a short time, and you are so needy you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.

The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine, and you usually have sex only in your bedroom.

The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both say 'screw you.'

The 5th kind of sex is called: Religious Sex, which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night. (Very Popular)

The 6th kind is called: Courtroom Sex. This is when you cannot stand your wife any more. She takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone.

And; Last, but not least, The 7th kind of sex is called: Social Security Sex.You get a little each month. But not enough to enjoy yourself.

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4th of July in Missouri

President BUSH PARDON's HIMSELF against POTENTIAL WARCRIMES

I don't even know where to start. In my opinion this only proves that President Bush has KNOWINGLY committed crimes and is covering his own ass for when the right people really start asking tough questions. It makes me sick. Really sick. I am surprised that he had the balls and forsight to cover the rest of his cabinet as well. If there is a God, don't you think that this is the exact moment when he would strike down Bush and his followers? Is this not the exact definition of pure evil? Stay Dialed In......because who the hell knows what this retard will do next.

Foo Fighters - Drummers Battle

As some of you may or may not know I'm a huge Foo Fighters fan. Foo @ Red Rocks July 14! I found this awesome clip of Taylor Hawkins and Dave Grohl facing off and having an amazing drum battle. Stay Dialed In

EXCLUSIVE: Five Minutes Of ‘Batman: Gotham Knight’

Set between the events of “Batman Begins” and “The Dark Knight,” “Gotham Knight” is an anthology of six animated tales starring everyone’s favorite caped crusader. Very much like the Animatrix film this animated movie is set to bridge the gap between the new Batman films. Very cool stuff. Stay Dialed In

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Ask Me About My Weiner!!

I played golf this weekend with some good friends of mine for some sort of charity. The group in front of us had a guy who reminded us of the fat kid from "Accepted". So in his honor and to make myself laugh, please enjoy this clip.
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Twisting Your Nutz

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Last night Benny, DD, Mer, and I were at the Irish Hound, like we usually are, and participated in the trivia night hosted by GeeksWhoDrink. Of course our favorite bartender and friend, Louie, did us proud by getting us hammered as usual. The GeeksWhoDrink blog (which can be found in my blog roll) posted pictures and a brief description of the evening. Check it out.

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Guaranteed Things Women Can Do To Make Their Man's Day

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I was thinking last night about things I could do to make my girlfriends day. I came up with the usual boring things that most men come up with. You know, make dinner, clean up the house, do my own laundry, take her shopping, get her a massage. Things of this nature. Of course each woman is different and we as men should know the subtle differences that make our women so special. But then I began thinking about what would make my day, and then came to the conclusion that this would probably be true for most men. So, the following are things that I think that women can do to guarantee their man a great day.

How do you ensure that you are going to have a great day? Two words for you. Morning sex. There are few things better than waking up to find that you're about to have sex. It's better than waking up early and going to the gym with the other obsessed people, because hey, you're having sex. Plus there are a couple of bonuses to morning sex. 1) it's a good workout 2)your options after sex are to go back to sleep or take a shower and start your day with your head clear 3)hey it's 9:00 am and you've already gotten laid.

I don't know about you but I'm crazy about my sports teams. Especially the Avalanche if you can't tell. Coming home to find out your girl has tickets for the game is always a winner. "Hi honey. Rough day? Got you 2 tickets to tonight's big game and I already called your best bud to meet you there." Holy shit! Tell me you that wouldn't make your day right there.

Social events can be a hit or miss depending on what they are. But when your woman is looking smoking hot and is charming the hell out of everyone that can be a real turn on. You're with your woman for probably a million reasons, but when she's on her game and impressing the hell out of your friends or co-workers, and the complements just keep rolling in, it's awesome to be reminded of why your woman is so amazing.

Golf is a tricky thing, because all men don't play the game. However, those of us that do will know that there are few things better in this world than being out on the course with the boys and just getting away from it all for a bit. This probably goes hand in hand with purchasing sporting event tickets, but it's still something not to be taken lightly. For some of us golf is a escape for an afternoon of drinking and swearing like a sailor. For those of you that are good, fuck you. I consider myself to be a drinker that plays golf. Gotta love the beer cart girl.


Another hit or miss topic is video games. Some guys really enjoy their time sitting in front of the TV playing whatever new game is out. Girls, you have two options for this one. 1)Either start playing video games and be really involved and be kick ass at them or 2)Get your man that new game and let him sit in front of it for the next 10 hours straight. I'm not saying that this should happen a lot, but every now and again it's nice to zone out and play a video game.

All in all, men are pretty stupid. We generally don't have more than 3 thoughts in our head at one time. Any more than that and George W. raises the terror alert to code red and gas prices shoot up even higher. When we are thinking about things it is usually sex, sports, and tv. Not always in that order but usually a safe bet. So if women remember these few topics, your man will smile all day. Guaranteed.
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The Dark Knight

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I'm so excited for this movie that I just can't stand it. From looking at it, I think Heath Ledger may have given a better Joker performance than Jack. I know that's a tall order to fill, but Ledger plays the type of Joker you see in the comic books as apposed to the Joker that Tim Burton created which was more like the old TV series with Adam West. Stay Dialed In

Knee surgery to end Tiger's Season!

Tiger amazed us with quite possibly his most amazing golf performance of his career this past weekend, but at what cost???

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BSG: Top Ten from Letterman

Good stuff. Stay Dialed In

Beginning of Summer BBQ '08 pt. 1

Beginning of Summer BBQ '08 pt. 2

Mike Haynes Returns

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At the end of the regular season, we're talking hockey here people, the Avalanche was hit with some terrible news. Mikey Haynes, the play by play announcer for the Altitude Network, was diagnosed with a brain aneurysm and had to have surgery. He missed the entire play off run and was briefly replaced by John Kelly, a former Avalanche announcer. John Kelly did a terrific job as always, but Haynes is the voice of our team.

Mike Haynes made a full and healthy recovery and he'll be returning to his thrown next season along with Peter McNabb. Just wanted to give an update to the poor bastards that actually read this trash. Also there is a great 1 hour interview with Mike on http://www.fm1043thefan.com/home.cfm It's under the On-Demand tap, sports guys, Mike Haynes interview. It's really pretty funny and worth your time.

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"I'm white, I'm entitled, and a black man is stealing my show"

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I heard this on the radio this morning and was blown away. This is Rev. Michael Pfleger speaking @ Obama's church. It brings to light that Obama is very "green" when it comes to the sort of company he keeps. I'm still voting for him though.
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Really Creepy Sex Abuse PSA

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This is the weirdest PSA I've ever fucking seen. Be prepared to be grossed out. Stay Dialed In

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Drunk History - Red Riding Hood

Great shit. Drunk history is always funny. The one with Jack Black is funny as shit too.
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Election 2008: John McCain Sings Streisand

This is some pretty funny shit. Though I'm not a McCain supporter I think he makes a pretty good point. Worth the Watch. Stay Dialed In

My List: Redux

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I. Boom. To show you how serious I’m taking this “List War”, I’ve gone and done the unthinkable. That’s right bitch. Roman numerals. Boo ya.
II. Lets jump right into it shall we. “Sex & The City” the movie. What’s the deal with this? Now I’ll jump into the shark tank and reveal the fact that I’ve probably seen every S&TC, but that doesn’t mean that I support the notion of Carrie Bradshaw shagging all of New York on the big screen. The question that I think everyone is thinking is…where the hell is the “90210” movie? Are Brenda and Dylan ever going to get back together?
III. Jerry Seinfeld. Where the fuck has he been hiding? Maybe he’s the ring- leader of a racist cult, and Michael Richards was just testing out the waters for Jerry. I’m sure he’s doing his stand-up stuff, but come on! He’s one funny motherfucker. He gives the world his show for a decade and then poof. Just vanishes into his privately owed garage filled with Porches? Unacceptable. Though speaking of “Seinfeldian Theory”, the guy that played Newman isn’t fat anymore. Good for him.
IV. Shit. I’m only at IV. That’s 4 to those of you that are retarded. And I’ll be honest; I’m a little “iffy” on my current topics. But I’ll stick with it to the bitter end. I dare not admit defeat to some Gumby-ass wannabe like Jeremy. Best Video game of the year. Rock Band. Without a doubt. Now I don’t actually own the game, or the console, or the Internet access at home to download the cool new songs. Lucky for me, Ben does. And we kick ass. Jeremy doesn’t have any friends that actually invite him over so he never gets to play Rock Band. Boom. Score one point for me.
V. Back to BSG. I like where you’re going with Starbuck being a Cylon and telling Adama that she killed his son because he found out and blah blah blah. And I think they squashed my theory that the 5th is Adama’s dead son. So I’ve got a new one for you. It’s going to be Hera. The daughter of Athena (formerly Boomer). It’s like that Simpsons Murder Episode where they had a huge game trying to figure out who shot Burns. It ended up being Maggie. The one little yellow bastard in Simpson world you could over look. And considering that we haven’t seen or heard about Hera since late in season 3, I think this is a good bet. So there. BSG ripped off their idea from the Simpsons. Son of a bitch.
VI. I’ll tell what I love about Starbucks. And it’s not their coffee. It’s the fact that they are fucking everywhere. No matter where you go. They are easily rivaling McDonalds. Here’s the best part about them. Since they ARE everywhere a clean “public pooping” environment is always close at hand. We all know “PP” is usually a no bueno experience. Too many variables in play to make for a very unpleasant “PP”. But Starbucks, although usually crowded, has high standards which means their facilities are more than up to par for that emergency “PP”.
VII. I’m kind of wondering who the new face of the NRA is going to be. Since Charleston Heston died a few months ago, I just haven’t been that interested in keeping up with my NRA monthly newsletter of who the biggest asshole is. I’m thinking Drew Carrey, but I don’t know if his current schedule with the Price is Right would allow him to make all those meetings. On a side note if you didn’t see the video of Ron Paul at the last NRA conference you need to watch that shit. He says some fucked up shit about Obama and it’s not cool. If he ever drives through the ghetto I’m pretty sure he’s going to get the shit kicked out of him. Kind of like a Grand Theft Auto crime. Ask Ben, I’m sure he’ll fill you in on all the new GTA 4 hype.
VIII. My office is right next to the server room. Therefore my nipples are always hard as shit, because they have to blow cold air into that room to keep the server cold so it doesn’t get all shitty. And a guy with hard nipples jus doesn’t have the same affect. I wonder if in the gay community that’s a turn on. Well Jeremy, is it? Burn. Ha got one in there.
IX. I was playing Street Fighter II the other day. I beat the game. Wasn’t that hard. But as I was playing M. Bison I was wondering what the fuck the “M” stood for. Does anyone actually know? I’m guessing it stands for Milton, Mort, or Melvin. Can’t you see Mort Goldman’s face on the body of M. Bison fighting Ryu in the final stage of the game? “Oh please don’t throw that fire ball at me. I’m allergic to fire. Can’t we just talk about this over a nice game of Scrabble?” (Done in Mort’s voice of course).
X. So effectively I’ve wasted my entire morning on this list. I’m not quite sure how I feel about it or the response I’ll get from all my fans spread out across the world. Ha. I feel like it’s lacking that punch of total sarcasm that usually lays dormant in my blog posts. You’ll have to let me know what you thought. Now I have to go to Google images and find the perfect picture. That should take 20 minutes. Then I can go to lunch. I’m thinking a sandwich from Safeway may be involved.

The List: Jeremy's Response

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A quick note before you read this. Goddamn if Jeremy didn't out due himself and create a much better list than mine. In my own defense, I started the list just because I was bored and really didn't put too much thought into it. More of just a total ramble. But Jeremy did put one hell of a funny list together. But I'll re-evaluate, compose myself, and come back with some real winners. So without further ado, Jeremy's better list.

1) I've seen bits and pieces of Kevin Smith's blog (the only post I remember is the one where he gives his top 10 movies of the year, and I think that was last year), so while it's probably totally awesome, I still haven't subscribed (as the kids like to say).
2) I think top 10s are better than top 20s, and top 5s are better than top 10s, but only because you're really limited. It's like the difference between asking what you'd do with a quintillion dollars or $100,000. The latter seems so much more tangible and takes so much more thought. That said, however, I'll both respond and spit out some random shit over here in the same format.
3) I'm alright. The work week could be a bit nasty, but whatever. Life is fine and dandy.
4) Fuckin' money.
5) What?
6) I did. What? I mean Quoff? Sounds too much like the verb given to the action of air coming out of one's vagina. And by one, I mean James.
7) I think I've seen the latest BSG. Was it the one where they get to the base ship and jump back with it? By far the best episode so far. Finally, something worth thinking about. I mean, I don't mind the drama and all, but when questions about science, nature, the soul, the future of an intelligence explosion (do google searches for 'moore's law' or 'scientific singularity' and skim the wikipedia articles -- the terminator is coming bitch -- for shizzle... and the fucker might only have flowers, not guns), not to mention asking who the 5th is, what starbuck is going to do with the shit that the hybrid told her, etc., etc.... way better than drama-only. It's the reason we all love back to the future, or the matrix. So, yeah fuckin' yeah.
8) 2 weeks. Get out! (insert elaine-ish julia-louis-dryfus voice)
9) the 5th? Leaning more toward starbuck.... Think about this: Wouldn't it be a HUGE bang job if Starbuck starts saying shit like, "Yeah Adama, your son found out I was a cylon. I had to kill him. He was such a bad flier that it didn't take much, blah blah." I mean, Cylons use relationships to get 'in'. It's part of the programming, right? BOOM!
10) Pretty sure it's not Baltar. I just doesn't add up. He was on that ship for so long -- didn't he put his hand in the base ship's "red zone?" The relationship between the 6 and him is so much better if he's human and she's not. And, fuck, if he were a Cylon, why would they ever have needed to send a Cylon to seduce him?... yeah yeah yeah, he wouldn't have known he was a cylon, but it just seems like it would be bad story writing. Right? Or maybe I suck.
11) Lost is really good. I mean, what? refer to the last sentence of number 10.
12) I'm telling my mom you said that. For real.
13) You need to write down all the JQ classics and run with it. We're never going to remember this shit when we actually get it off the ground... damn it!
14) I can't believe you made it to 14. I can't believe I'm still going. I have to shit and I'm pretty tired. If an RW is needed, I'll just take a shower.
15) It's probably stupid, but if I need 45 in 301, I shoot for trip 15s. Then, If I hit a single 15, I go for double 15. If I miss the board, I do it again on the third dart (if i miss on the third and hit say a 2, I'll keep going for that fucker, because anything I hit won't put me over really). If the second dart was a 10, then it's back to the easy target of 20, and you're sittin' pretty for a win or the next round.
16) Can't say I've listened to any of the Indy hype. I think I'm going to wait until I get the prognosis of a few key people, yourself included, before making the plunge. I think I'll know then if it's worth the ticket price or if it's a wait-er after a phone conversation or few.
17) Batman. Yeah... it's another of those wait and see flics tho'. Movies have been disappointment after disappointment for me. After seeing that MPAA documentary I can't help but think that we are shit off the platter that is quite a bit stankier than it needs to be.
18/19) Ass to mouth... what does his chick-to-be say afterward?... you SOMETIMES can go ass to mouth. About 20 people told me to never see Clerks 2. I watched it for the first time about a year ago. It wasn't that bad. I actually thought it was pretty good, especially given everyone's 2nd-time-you-see-it theory.
20) And, well, now it's pooping time. I will talk to your ass in a couple.
rocket,
jeremy

The List

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Jeremy,

first of all I got a couple cool things for you.
1.) You gotta check out Kevin Smiths blog (attached to my reader). He's funny shit
2.) How the hell are you doing?
3.) I don't think that I'm heading up near the Fort this weekend. For a couple of different reasons, but mainly a $ thing.
4.) I hate the $ thing
5.) http://www.go.dlr.de/wt/dv/ig/icons/funet/viz2.gif

6.) See #5
7.) Holy shit what did you think of BSG? Please tell me that you're caught up. I know you can watch it on-line already so you better have fucking watched it.
8.) The thing that blows, 2 weeks before a new BSG.
9.) Who do you think the 5th cylon is?
10.) I've narrowed it down to Starbuck, The Prez, Lt. Gayda (not sure if that's how you spell his name but the guy who had his leg chopped off), Baltar, & your mama. Oh Burn. Bet you didn't see that one coming.
11.) How's LOST coming. Oh that's right. You're a total lame ass.
12.) I'm gonna ask your mom to marry me. Oh burn twice in one email. Holy Shit.
13.) I think we should corner the market on "I farted in your cereal" T-shirts. Another JQ classic.
14.) Can you believe I made it to 14?
15.) See 14 but add 1
16.) New Indy movie this week. What's your prognosis?
17.) New Batman trailer kicks balls
18.) "You never go ass to mouth" is my gmail chat custom message
19.) That's from Clerks II, which if you haven't seen it gets better every time you watch it.
20.) I'm just killing time. I feel that I've a.) done enough work today b.) done enough work to feel that I should go home c.) and done enough work today to goof off writing a bull shit email to you while having my ass handed to me in hearts by the fucking computer.

21.) I put you to the test to try and come up with a list of 20 things that I'm sure that I won't care about.

Cheers,

James

THE EMPIRE STRIKES BARACK

Just worth your time. Thanks to Ben for sending it my way. Stay Dialed In

Future Uncertain

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So we ended up beating the Wild in 6 games. Then we played fucking Detroit. And the worst part of all this, is the fact I have to say this: Detroit is one hell of a team. We got our asses handed to us and looked like the local pee-wee team. No bueno.

The team is waiting on Joe Sakic to find out if he is going to play again next year. I think that he will. Same with Forsberg. He might be a little bit more up in the air, due to his chronic "Pussidus" but he'll probably be back in Colorado wearing good old #21. Who knows about Foote. But I get the feeling like we're gonna have to trim a little fat to get a younger, faster, grittier team for next season.

One thing that is making me feel better, is the fact that Detroit is kicking the crap out of the Dallas Stars at the moment. Currently, they (RedButtHoles) are up 3-0 on Dallas. On the Eastern conference front, Pittsburgh is up 3-0 on the Flyers in a battle for Pennsylvania. The best thing for the sport of hockey and the NHL, would be to have a Red Wings/Pittsburgh Stanley Cup Finals. It kills me to have to say that.The Avalanche management finally pulled their heads out of where ever, and fired Coach Joel Quenville (Coach Q). In my opinion, this was long over due. I've never liked Q, his coaching style, or the fact that he was our coach. Also no bueno. Now we just have to find a new coach. Who will it be? The rumors are circulating around Pat Burns. I don't know too much about him, other than he is a former NHL coach and is widely respected.

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Gary and His Girls

Random Defense Game

This is a great game to waste away your f&^%ing work day. Enjoy.

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The Friend That Always Lets You Down

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Do you have that one friend who you is constantly letting you down? You know. The kinda friend were you are always the one making the effort. Driving to where they live, buying their drinks because they "forgot" their wallet at home, driving them home because they got too drunk. That sort of thing?

Well, I have a friend like that. In fact he's one of my best friends. But all in all, I'd have to call him a real son of a bitch. Well, he's been a real ass hole this week. I sent him an emergency text message last night. He never responded. And let me tell you it was really important. He could have really helped me out of a social jam. Instead, he hung me out to dry. He might as well have given me a "dirty sanchez" to top it off.

So to that dear, dear friend of mine, and yes Jeremy I'm talking about you, all I have to say is.........


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Long Road To Ruin.....AZ RoadTrip '08

Drop The Gloves

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Tonight is Game 5 of the Colorado Avalanche/Minnesota Wild (still a gay name) series. 3 of the 4 games that have been played so far have gone into overtime periods. The Wild, lucky bastards, have won 2 of those games. The Av's won the first game and dominated Game 4, destroying the Wild (still gay) 5-1. But really, this series could/should be over. The Wild (gay) have had several lucky bounces and goals that ended up winning them a few games. But tonight we go back to Minnesota (not gay) where the Wild (gay) will no doubt fall on their fat (gay) asses and find them selves coming back to Denver down 3-2 in the series.

There really isn't much more I can say other than I'm guaranteeing a Avalanche victory tonight. And a healthy victory is shall be. I'm gonna say 4-1. No overtime for the Wild (gay) tonight. Just a total ass stomping. Paul Stasny will have 1 goal and 2 assists tonight.

So grab a sixer of your favorite beer, put on your gear, turn the TV up real loud, and get ready for another great game. The puck drops @ 7 p.m. and the ass-whooping will start @ 7:01 p.m.

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Mike Haynes: The Voice of the Av's

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I just want to show some respect to a great man that constantly puts a smile on my face day in and day out. Mike Haynes with the Altitude Network, play by play announcer for the Avalanche, and on-air partner of Peter McNabb will undergo surgery on a Basilar Artery Aneurysm. His amazing on-air enthusiasm makes every game worth watching. He calls a great game every time and you can feel how passionate he is about the Av's. John Kelly, a former Av's announcer, will be paired up with McNabb once again to cover the playoffs.

So just know that all the Avalanche fans are with you and your family at this difficult time. Best Wishes and of course GO AV'S!


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WAR: Avalanche Vs. Wild

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Today it starts. The battle is officially over and the war has begun. The shock and awe campaign is about to begin while we start dropping nukes down upon the Minnesota Wild. And take my word for it, it's gonna be a great series. ESPN, and that fucking hack Barry Melrose, have picked the Wild to win in 6. I've got the Av's winning in 5.

At the end of February the Av's had 18 games left. I predicted that we'd win 14 of them. I was pretty close. We won 11, had 1 OTL (to MIN), and 6 loses. So we secured 23 points to take us to 6th in the conference. Minnesota did finish first in our division and 3rd overall, but just by the skin of their teeth. We also beat them in the last game of the regular season in the shootout. There's no doubt that the Wild (the worst mascot team name in the history of sports) are a talented team, coached by Jacques Lemaire, have an outstanding goalie in Backstrom and a great scorer out of Gaborik.

On paper I think both teams are pretty even. On the ice I might give the Wild the edge but for one reason only. Coaching. Lemaire is a great coach who demands his team play the style the he sees fit. Coach Joel Quenville, Coach Q, in my opinion has been less than brilliant when dealing with the Av's the past couple of seasons. He's a good coach and has been put to the test in terms of dealing with injuries and putting together lines this season. However, Coach Q does not have a very good post-season track record. If memory serves me correctly, the best that Coach Q has done was when the St. Louis Blues (the team he coached before coming to Colorado) was making it to the Western Conference Finals in 2001. Do you want to know what happened? The Av's destroyed them in 5 games.

To say the least this is going to be a great series. And to be truthful I couldn't imagine having to play San Jose, Detroit, or Anaheim in the first round. This is a team we know and a team we know we can beat. This is what we've been waiting for all year folks. The NHL playoffs are back and my boys, The Colorado Avalanche, are going to surprise a lot of people.


Stay Dialed In

For Love & Basketball: A Woman Scorned

You're Dialed In with JQ


Well the NCAA Mens 2008 Tournament came to a close last night, and I'll be damned if we actually got to see a good game. The Final Four ended up being extremely disappointing. You'd think that 4 number 1 seeds would put on a good show, but it looked more like a varsity team beating up on the junior varsity team. No bueno.

So I was watching the game last night with the girlfriend and her roommates. Now this is a great story so stay with me. While helping Mer make dinner, one of the roommates was telling a story of her douche bag boyfriend who cheated on her over the past weekend. Keep in mind this is the first time that I've hung out with the roommates so I'm keeping my mouth shut and just listening. Fly on the wall sort of thing. So she's telling her roommates of the phone conversation that she's just had with Tim, or Todd, or whatever the fuck his name was. And she's going into details about all sorts of things that were just over my head, since I don't know either the roommate or the dirt bag ex-boyfriend. So I'm doing dishes and constantly filling up wine glasses, because that's just what I was doing. Okay so me in kitchen, girls on couch drinking wine, with the NCAA Championship game going on in the background. Got a good picture in your head? Good

So as the story continues the game begins and this is when the story gets good. Her ass clown ex-beau has Memphis winning the whole thing. So naturally, the scorned girlfriend is cheering for Kansas like a mad woman. Now I've successfully filled up the wine glasses enough were the other girls are into the game as well and cheering for Kansas to show their roommate support. Now if you saw the game, then you'll know Kansas was down, Memphis was missing free throws, and in the closing seconds Kansas shoots a terrific 3 pointer to send the game to overtime. You would have thought that we were sitting in Lawrence, Kansas long time Jay hawk fans the way these girls were cheering and freaking out in general. It was probably the most fun I've ever had watching a sporting event.

Overtime starts, wine glasses are topped off, girls sitting on the edge of their seats, and Kansas kicking ass and taking names. Now I took a few moments, during timeouts and what not, to take in the face of the scorned girlfriend. Priceless. I could almost read her mind. "You fucking ass hole. You're team is losing and God is granting me vengeance." With that evil sinister Lex Luthor sort of laugh I'm sure. All the while talking about how during overtime she should call her ex and continue the conversation about their relationship just so he couldn't watch the game. It was pure evil and pure genius.

Men gather round here and listen to me carefully. For the love of god we're all screw ups and bound to piss off our wives, girlfriends, lovers just because that's what we do and we do it quite well. For those of you that are avid sports lovers and support your teams to the end of the earth, hear me well. When your team really needs that win, make sure your woman is happy. God doesn't listen to any of my prayers, but she definitely listens to women when they ask for a sports disaster. I think that's probably why the Av's missed the playoffs by 1 point last year. This year, woman happy, Av's in playoffs.
Stay Dialed In

Jim Breuer - Alcohol

This is pretty much how I felt last night after the Av's game. No bueno amigos. Stay Dialed In

Quebec Remparts at Chicoutimi Sagueneens 03/22/08

Though this isn't broadcasted in English, I'm sure you'll be able to get the jist of what the announcers are saying. What you might miss though is that the goalie (in red) is non other than Jonathan Roy. The son of Avalanche favorite Patrick Roy. For those of you that remember the fights he had with the Detroit Red Wings, I'm sure that you'll find this amusing. Like father like son. Stay Dialed In

He Man - They Peed on My Rug

If you loved He-Man and think the Big Lebowski is a great movie, I'm sure you'll dig this. Stay Dialed In

Robot Chicken: M.A.S.K

For those of you that remember M.A.S.K. as a kid, and love the show Robot Chicken....this is just funny shit. Stay Dialed In

Obama Race speech

Great speech and worth your time. Stay Dialed In

Whitest Kids U Know

Just damn funny. Thanks to Mooer for this one. Stay Dialed In

GI Joe Public Service Announcement

For those of you that learned right from wrong thanks to G.I. Joe, this is for you. Stay Dialed In

McGruff The Crime Dog -

Nothing could be as lame as this. Enjoy.

Net Neutrality Explained

The Daily Show just kicks ass. Even though this is a huge issue, you gotta take a step back and laugh.

Obama in Plainfield, IN: 'We have to come together'

Ryan Smyth Hurt Bad by Jack Johnson

Here's the injury on Ryan Smyth if you didn't see it. Just goes to show you that hockey players are the toughest S.O.B.'s in professional sports. Stay Dialed In

Avalanche Making Run At Playoffs

You're Dialed In with JQ

Dear Readers,

For those of you that doubted me, all I have to say is.....I told ya so.


The Colorado Avalanche have put up an impressive 9-2-1 record since the end of February. Now even I'll admit that I was a little scared after a horrible loss to the Red Wings on 2/18. It really looked like we were a sunk ship. Then the trade deadline came along and we added some much needed depth, talent, and heart to our team. The addition of Denver favorites Peter Forsberg and Adam Foote really boosted our team with confidence and put the "kibosh" on a sinking morale. Ruslan Salei, a defense man we picked up from the Florida Panthers, may have been one of the best trades this season. Even though it was quietly done, and over shadowed by the Brad Richardson (to Dallas) and Marian Hossa (Pittsburgh Penguins) trades, he stepped out on to the ice and gave us power size and a surprisingly good shot from the blue line.

Now the injury bug has still been biting us in the ass. Ryan Smyth and Marek Svatos were both hurt in a game against the L.A. Kings. Svatos tearing up his knee and Smyth getting checked into the half boards and suffering a concussion. Svatos is done for the season, but Smyth should be back in the line up maybe as soon as Saturday when the New Jersey Devils step back into the Pepsi Center to only have their asses handed to them once again. Other injuries to Scott "The Sheriff" Parker, Jordan Leopold, Adam Foote, and Peter Forsberg have shortened our lines a bit, but Captain Joe Sakic and the other assistant captains have really kept the team on a roll.

With 10 games left in the season, the Av's finally reclaimed their rightful spot at the top of our division. And with all the remaining games, except for the Devils on 3/15, being against division rivals every point is going to count. So if you weren't on board before, pretend you were and start cheering on my boys. The playoffs are right around the corner and I'm smelling blood in the air. Stay Dialed In

Barack Obama: On Net Neutrality

This is a huge issue and lets make sure to get the right guy in office this time around! Stay Dialed In

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Tim Burton's Concept Art for Superman Lives

I'm a bit of a Superman nerd, and I thought these were some pretty cool drawings. Check it out. Stay Dialed In

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Human Lobotomy - Save the internet

This is an amazing video and definitely worth your time.

LOST...."The Constant" episode

As if smoke monsters and tropical polar bears weren’t enough to keep our heads spinning, Thursday’s episode of Lost, “The Constant,” opened up a whole new can of worms: the fourth dimension.

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Death & Lunch

You're Dialed In with JQ

First things first. Way to go Av's. If you didn't watch the game like I suggested, you missed one hell of an ending. Joe Sakic was "Super" as usual and the rest of our team put on a hell of a performance. Don't worry Coach Q, the boys might just save your job after all. Av's are at home for the next 4 games, and hopefully we'll see Foppa out there giving someone hell. Keep it up boys. You owe me 14 wins, at least!

So on a different note I thought I'd write a bit about real life. I work in an office were I am one of the youngest employees they have. There are a few of us under 30 but most of the guys that work here are 50 or older. One employee in particular is older than "Death". I mean this with as much respect as I can. He's a nice old guy who walks around the office with as much energy as "Sid the Sloth". He's got a lumpy bald head that looks like the terrain for the next JEEP commercial. And his face resembles that of "Smeagol, or Gollum" for those of you that speak LOTR dork. So there is your description. Got a good picture in your head?

So I went to lunch today with "Smeagol" and another one of the employees. We went to a great Vietnamese place that I would absolutely visit again. You know it's good food when all the other patrons are Vietnamese and you're the only white people there. So we ordered our food, sipped on some tea, and struggled through pointless conversation about the weather, weekend plans, and all the crap you say to people that you don't really know. "Smeagol" doesn't say a word from the time we leave the office till the time we come back. Super, I know. The waiter brings our food and we begin the chore of attempting to respect another culture by using the chop sticks that were provided. So obviously it takes us forever to eat the god damn rice. "Smeagol" on the other hand decides to use a spoon, probably so that he can just gum his food in peace. The obvious strain of lifting a spoon to his toothless head about gave me a heart attack. He constantly looked like he was either going to:

A) Shit himself

B) Fall asleep in his Noodle Bowl

C) Die

Now granted he's an old timer and he's seen his share of winters if you take my meaning. And I'm sure you're all thinking we'll be like that someday too and how would you feel blah, blah, blah.

Now me personally, I was hoping for option B. This way I wouldn't have to smell his shit in the car ride home and Option C would have meant that I would have to use my CPR training, thank you Baywatch,and give this walking corpse mouth to mouth. For those of you that are either terribly concerned or just curious option D happened. None of the above.

The long and short of this little stint is this: My fucking lunch hour is too short to have to worry about whether or not someone asshole is going to fucking die at my table. I know it's a selfish fucking thing to think and I of course don't wish him any harm. But for god sakes man, I can't deal with that sort of pressure. Especially when all I want to do is eat my fucking chicken curry.

Until next time.....

stay dialed in.

The Streak Begins

You're Dialed In with JQ

Where do I even start? Well it would be totally unlike me if I didn't mention the Avalanche. Last night we played the division leading Calgary Flames. It was especially memorable since we got to see Adam Foote back where he belongs.....in a Av's sweater. The boys played with a hop in their step that we haven't seen in the last few weeks. Even being down by a goal late in the 3rd period didn't seem to slow down the Av's much. The physical battles were won against the boards, Jose Theodore played really well again only allowing 2 goals, and our offense was alive and kicking. Finally there was heart. Finally there was purpose. Finally there was a solid win against a good team and division rival.

The only downside of the game was that it went into overtime assuring the Flames of at least 1 point. Paul Stastny once again played a stellar game and proved that he is one of our most valuable players, scoring the overtime game winner. So although we only gain 1 point on Calgary, we gained 2 on everyone else. We're climbing the ladder and very soon, possibly tonight, we'll be back in a playoff spot. For those of you that remember last year, the Av's went on one of the best late season streaks we've seen in a long time. Winning 15 of a possible 17 if memory serves me right. Only to come up short by one point and miss the playoffs for the first time in Avalanche franchise history. Well, I'm predicting it right now. With less than 20 games left, I'm going to say that the Av's win at least 14 games. How can I make such a bold prediction you ask. I'll tell you. I'm a believer. Only time will tell. So stay dialed in.

Return to Greatness Pt. 2

It's been a very exciting few days here in the Mile High City of Denver. Super Joe, Paul, and Ryan all healthy and then BOOM!!! Here comes Peter "The Great" Forsberg back to wear good 'ol number 21 for the Av's. With less than 2 hours left in the trade deadline the Colorado Avalanche once again proved why they may have one of the best management teams ever. We recently just brought back another former Avalanche, fan favorite, and all around best defense man money can buy. Put your hands together and get ready to pound the boards baby because ADAM FOOTE is back in Denver wearing #52 for us once again. The Av's of old are upon us once again and ready to kick ass and take names. Avalanche fans put your hands together, stomp your feet, and yell your damn head off because if you didn't think we were back yesterday, WE SURE THE HELL ARE BACK TODAY!!!!! The trade deadline ends at 1pm MST and Rob Blake is still on the blocks, so we'll see. I could be writing a bit more today than I had planned. GO AV'S!!!!!!!!!!

Return to Greatness

About 30 minutes ago the Colorado Avalanche, correction, MY Colorado Avalanche signed Peter Forsberg to once again be an Avalanche. I can't tell you how excited the city of Denver is over this recent acquisition. "Peter the Great" will no doubt get our fans fired back up and get the blood pumping in the hearts of the Av's, who recently have been coming up short in the heart department. Even with the long awaited return of our Big 3 S men, Sakic, Stasny, and Smyth, the addition of "Foppa" will no doubt add that missing ingredient to our club. So look out Northwest Division, because you are about to witness another great streak that will NO DOUBT put my boys back into the playoffs. And if you've never seen Forsberg play, trust me, buy tickets to the next home game and you'll see why Super Joe Sakic is SUPER JOE and why Peter the Great is PETER THE MOTHER FUCKING GREAT!!!!! GO AV'S!!!!!!!!!

BURN!!!!!

Stupid. Just so stupid. Please do yourself a favor and click the digg link below to see this video.

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Red Assholes Vs. My Boys

Tonight we play the Red Wings again. Though we've yet to beat them this year, we've also played some of our best hockey against Detroit. Just haven't been able to find the back of the net. The Wings are on a 6 game losing streak and my boys are on a 3 game streak. So pull your shit together people and think positive thoughts. I'll try and bring back some quality pics. Give 'em Hell Boys!

Coming Soon

After years of sitting on our asses watching everyone else make money, Jeremy and I have finally come up with our baby. This is gonna be the one that makes us some "fun money" at the very least. I'm not gonna get too involved into what we're doing and going with this idea, but let me give you an idea:

slaphappypix.com

There's a great story behind slaphappy but I'm not going to bore anyone to death with it right now. Just proving that even the dumbest sons of a bitch on the planet can put their heads together and make a buck.

Start taking some pictures, and get ready for a wild summer.

Cheers,

James (JQ) and Jeremy (dumbass)

Dear Policy Holder......

In recent weeks your name has come to our attention. After carefull review of your file and in speaking with the Members of the Board, we've come to this important decision:


You're Pretty Much Fucked.


Have a nice day and good luck with pulling yourself out of the shithole you call an existance.



God


.

The Constant Struggle To Keep Your Head In Your Ass

Once again, I’ve been starring at a blank screen. Not so much a case of writers block, but really just trying to decide what a worthy topic would be. I’ve been in contact with several of my colleagues and I do have a topic that will be coming soon. I’m thinking of calling it the “Pooping Chronicles”, a discussion on the ethics, appropriateness, and inevitability of public pooping. Dirty isn’t it??


However, what to write for this particular session that will no doubt hold your attention until the next article is finished? I have a great group of friends who all seem to have their lives in order. Which brought me to think about my own life. Though, and this is a personal observation only, I feel like I’ve made some progress over the past few years I find that I my head is still stuck up my ass. I usually refuse to apply the lessons that I’ve learned from my own experiences to my life. What the fuck is that all about? What’s the point in learning from good/bad situations, if you consciously decide to ignore the outcome? Ah…..thus the title of my current publication.


I began to find that the thought of pulling my head out of my ass and grow as a human being is totally nuts. Why struggle pulling it out for good, when it will more than likely just be shoved back up there? That’s like making an argument for the production of a square wheel. The heads natural position is up your ass. That’s where all the good ideas come from, all the insight, all the clarity. It’s when humans, especially us guys, pull our heads out that chaos and destruction take place. Think about these next couple of examples and make up your own mind.


The current President of the United States, George W. Bush, was great when his head was up his ass. Now before you start getting all riled up, just consider the following. Before George was the Commander and Chief, what did he do? He ran Texas and owned a baseball team. Big fucking deal. Besides screwing the people of the Lone Star state, and who cares about them anyways, he probably wasn’t a bad guy. He drank, snorted a little china, caused his daddy a few problems, but for the most part the rest of the world didn’t have to deal with him. Then what happened? He decided to run for President. And in order to have such an epiphany, he would have to pull his head out of his ass. Think of where we could be right now, if someone near by would have just shoved that puppy back where it belongs. If his head was up his ass right now, we’d all be okay.


My second example is Brittany Spears. Jesus Christ need I say more? You’d have to be fucking retarded to fuck up a future like that. If her head would have been in her ass, no K-Fed, no fucked up kids, no TMZ or talk shows just about Spears and the fall from grace. Fuck that shit! All we’d really have to put up with is just a few more crappy albums and some shitty #1 singles. And I think almost all of us don’t listen to shit like that anyways, so we’d be safe. Once again, head should be securely placed up the ass.


In conclusion, I say bring on the square wheel. Lets keep it simple and not complicate ourselves more than we need to. If you decide to marry your girlfriend and your head is up your ass, everything will be great. Decide to buy a new car, do it with a close up view of the ‘ol brown eye. And when you vote in Nov. 2008 please god vote for the candidate whose head is so far up his or her ass, that we couldn’t possibly get fucked in the end.

St. Patty's Day

To all my fellow Irish brethren out there who are looking forward to getting totally hammered, the time is almost upon us. It's never too late to start planning, and this, apparently, is me taking some initiative. Though I'm sure ultimately I leave the plans to someone a little more creative, like Kramburgler, I can at least start to get people excited and prepared for an all day drink fest. So St. Patty's day falls on a Monday this year, but the parade is on Saturday March 15, 2008 which sounds like a perfect day to drink ones self into a stupor. So clear your weekends and only make plans with us for what I'm sure will be another expensive but kickass afternoon. If you have comments or more importantly suggestions, please post a response and I'll be sure to pass along any ideas or put your name on a party list. So get your green ready and lets drink way too much. And yes I know these kick ass!

Can't Win 'Em All

I've been starring at this blank page for almost an hour, trying to think of what I wanted to write about and what I wanted to say. Then it hit me. It seems the theme for this weekend had to be "You Can't Win Them All". Now for those of you who took my advice and watched the Detroit/ Av's game, I'm sure you'll whole heartedly agree with me that we got robbed by the refs. But a bad call was made, things didn't go our way and in the end we lost the game. Now I'm sure most of you poor bastards watched the SuperBowl and spent most of the night bored to tears. Eating more than you wanted, while watching it with people you don't really like just for the last few exciting minues of another dreary Super Bowl. Much is the way of life I guess. You can't always win the game that matters most, can't always have a call go your way, can't drive the car you want, live in the house you want, be with the person you want. So for most of us, we're not going to have everything in life. But to those of you who have a piece of the pie, enjoy it. Remember life could always be worse. Drink it the moments when you can and make every day count. And to those of you who have the entire pie, everyone hates you. Cheers fuckers.
Next entry won't be so sappy. But my Av's lost to the Red Wings and I fucking hate the Wings so just deal with it god-damnit.

Death to all Red Wings!!!

Congratulations! You survived the week. Now it’s time to put on your party hats and start yelling at the TV. Now, most of you are thinking, Super Bowl weekend. To those people: Piss off. Screw the Super Bowl. Hey if you were there in Phoenix I’d say “hell yeah” myself. Scottsdale is one of the best “singles” cities in the US. The game of the weekend is tonight. MY Colorado Avalanche will be taking on the hated, despised, and unfortunately feared Detroit Red Wings. If you’re not a hockey person, the Wings are by far the most feared team this season. They have an unheard of record of 38 (W) 10 (L) and 4 (OTL) and have accumulated 80 points already. Hate to say it, but they’re one hell of a team. But have no fear, because they’ll blow it in the post-season. Just you wait and see. And now on to the team we actually give a shit about. The Av’s thus far have held their own in the western conference and the northwest division with a record of 27-20-4. Not bad considering our 3 best players Sakic, Smyth, and Stasny have been out for several weeks. So there, you’re officially caught up. If you don’t know anything about the rivalry between these two clubs, do yourself a favor and look up some of the history on http://www.youtube.com/ So instead of rooting for the oh so handsome Tom Brady or the ever disappointing Eli Manning, put on a jersey and root for the Avalanche. Don’t make the mistake of rooting for the Red Wings, because I will hunt you down and murder your gold fish while you sleep. Just support your team no matter what the record, who they’re playing, what the score is, or how annoying your girlfriend can be while asking questions like “What’s icing?” Just turn up the TV, crack open another beer, and remember GO AV’S !!!!

Inspired by Rossi

To all of you who don't know me......
How ya doing. I'm JQ. There glad we got that out of the way. So I have a friend. I know shocking isn't it. Anyways, I haven't known him very long, don't know him very well, but felt oddly inspired by him. We'll call him "Rossi". Anyways Rossi is way out there. Constantly just saying whatever the fuck comes to his mind. I'm not really that way (unless I've had several beers), so I find his attitude, antics, and demeanour to be pretty damn amusing. In fact I found it to be inspiring. So Rossi this first "blog" and I have no fucking idea what that means, is dedicated to you. I find that when I write my brain seems less crowded. Now for those who do know me, you must be saying "he's so fucking dumb. What on earth could be filling his head?" Well I'll answer that right now. Absolutely nothing. Pretty much just random crap that I feel if I actually shared with anyone face to face, would kick me in the balls, or punch me in the balls if you're a Jew :) and you know who you are, or do a Hollywood style drink in the face sort of thing. Truthfully, I've always wanted that to happen for some crazy ass reason. So instead I'll share this total non-sense with the rest of the world....or the 2 or 3 poor bastards that manages to stumble upon this page at 4 a.m. after a 2 days Absinthe drinking binge. But to those poor bastards.....tell your friends. So I'm sure of all the "blogs" out there in the world mine is by far the most unimpressive piece of boring shit out there. And I'm totally okay with that. I've got several nerdy friends who WILL stumble upon this by pure accident, immediately identify me, and tell me how to upgrade it. Then I will go over to their house, drink their beer, sit on their couch, while they do their computer thing and make this one of the best "blogs" on the Internet the world has ever seen. I've got some pretty kick ass friends. So I'll cut off the ramblings there and just say thank you. Thank you Rossi for the inspiration to empty my head a little bit. Thank you to my friends, especially the ones that will eventually make this a blog worth looking at. And of course God for giving me this talent.........fuck me silly I hate when people bring God into whatever the fuck. Unless you're at church. Then I feel it's mildly appropriate. Cheers Mates


JQ